I didn't know that grief doesn't always involve death.
I learned that shortly after I started my program. Did you know that? Don't tell me that you have known forever and I'm stupid, because that's just mean. Just pretend I'm not the most clueless student in the Walsh CHD program, ok? Did I know that people suffer from hurtful things that happen to them - other than death? Yes! I didn't realize it could be defined as grief, but it makes so much sense. It can be just as intense as the grief experienced by someone who's lost a family member to death. There's no right or wrong here. It's all grief, and we are all allowed to deal with it in our own way - crying for weeks, no crying at all, talking about it with friends, keeping to ourselves...
Maybe he lost a job months ago. Maybe her boyfriend of 5 years ended their relationship. Maybe his dog died. Maybe her parents moved away, or got divorced. Maybe she's grieving the life she imagined when she was a little girl with 4 kids in a beautiful house with a white-picket fence. Maybe he's grieving his dream of traveling because he's instead taking a job that he loves, but makes much less money doing.
Maybe she's weaning her baby from breastfeeding.
Yeah. That's me. I am now only nursing Kate 2 times a day. There are days when I am enjoying the independence that this process is bringing (I will NOT miss pumping!). There are also days that I cry (like sob, really), GRIEVING the loss of that time with her; that special bond that she and I have shared for over a year - and will never get back. Yes, Kate and I will bond in many ways, and we have already found other ways to be close. We snuggle, we have quiet reading time, etc., but it's not the same. Someone said to me, "she's not going to kindergarten or anything, it's just another phase". Wow. Ouch. Would you say that to someone who's mother just died? No. Is it the same? No, but is it STILL GRIEF? YES!
All grief is different. Matt and I have both lost our dads. It's eerie the similarities in our situations (he is also 12 years younger than his closest sibling. Our dads were born on Dec. 12 and Dec. 17, respectively. Our dads both died at age 60 - one on Feb. 2, one on Feb. 6), but it's also amazing how different it was. My dad was killed suddenly in an accident; Matt's dad died after battling cancer for 9 months. Both our families reacted differently, and both handled their grieving very differently. That is how it works. Everyone responds to their own grief in a different way. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Just like there is no set definition of what one can or cannot grieve.
Some people remind me that I don't have to wean now. If I'm that upset about it, why don't I just keep nursing Kate? This is a decision I've made for myself, for my family, and for Kate. Whether you agree with my decision or not is immaterial to me, because it's MY choice. And yes, I'm choosing this, knowing that it is going to cause me sadness, separation issues, and grief. I've chosen this grief. But didn't I choose a life of grievances like this when I chose to become a mother? Aren't there going to be stops along the way that I feel her pulling away? It is SO GOOD for her to become her own, independent person, but it will kill me inside because she's not 'my baby' anymore?
Parents have told me that you raise children to leave. That's my job. I am raising Kate to be a smart, beautiful, kind, independent person. I have chosen to start weaning her now. Others wait, and that is their choice. There are times I wish I had waited, but I know this is what is right for us.
...and I'm allowed to grieve it.
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