If you have been my friend or Facebook friend for more than 2 seconds, you know my husband is an LEO (Law Enforcement Officer). I bring it up in FB posts once in a while. I post most often when there is another LEO death. It's sad, but it's true.
I want you to know what it means to be the spouse of an LEO. Ok, what it's like to be me. I can't speak for every LEO spouse. Maybe they don't go through these things, but I can't be alone. It's the same feeling fire fighter spouses must feel when their spouse gets called out on a call. The same feeling military spouses feel when their loved one is deployed. Maybe others don't think about it. Maybe others handle it better than I do, or will look down on me for showing the under belly of this, but it's who I am and who we are in this family. I will tell you some daily things we experience, but first, I want to tell you about a random day a few weeks ago.
It was a regular winter day in Ohio - it was incredibly icy. The roads were pretty bad, but there are many folks who go to work anyway, and obviously, police officers are among them. Matt headed out for work in the afternoon. {Side note: Dublin PD operates with single officer cars, so I sometimes get texts or calls from Matt when things are slow.} About an hour or two into Matt's shift, I sent him a text. I often text him, knowing that if he's busy, he can respond when he gets a calmer minute or two. An hour passed. Then another. It didn't seem strange at first, and then it started to really bother me. I texted him again and waited. No response. One more text sent and unanswered. Most days, this rolls off my back. He'll answer when he has time. He's probably on a crash. Thoughts I normally use to calm myself. For some reason, this day, I couldn't shake it. I know that I have underlying anxiety that wreaks havoc on my life from time to time. It would be one of those days. The following thoughts began to take over:
What if he was in a crash?
What if he's seriously hurt?
What if he's...
Please answer.
A car will come to the house.
I don't know any of these guys yet. It's not like North Canton. I don't know them yet. They don't know me or my kids.
What am I going to do with the kids? What will I tell them? Can I keep it together?
Please answer.
Who is going to tell Mary Lou? {Matt's mom}
I'll have to call Chip {Matt's brother} and he'll have to go tell her.
I'll have to call Beth {my sister} and have her tell Mom.
What am I going to do without him?
Please answer.
I can't do this without him.
I have to. I have 3 kids.
I'll pay off the bills and the house.
Please answer.
I'll trade in the cars and get a new van so I don't have to worry about repairs, just maintenance. I'll buy a year's worth of oil changes.
I wonder if I'll have to go back to work or if the money will last until DJ goes to school full time?
I can't do this without him.
Please answer.
This went on and on. In the past, when I've had these moments, I've laughed them off. Deflecting the true fear underneath. The truth is, this was a full-blown panic attack, and it was based in a very real fear. He answered after a few frantic texts. Of course, it was just another busy day. Just like any other, like any other day I would have normally blown this off. But here's the truth. 3 officers have already died in 2017 (up 300% from last year already), and those families are taking those fears head-on. They're a reality for them. A wife and mother is dead, murdered. A husband, brother, and dad taken at age 32.
This fear was more real for me when Matt first went on the job. It was so new. I couldn't stand to be in the room with him when he loaded his gun to wear, or when he put on his vest. It just bothered me too much. But our bodies and minds adjust. We can't live in that constant state of anxiety, so I adjusted, and it isn't like that all the time. {Remember, I didn't marry a cop. I married a licensed history teacher. The cop part came later. 😉}
Then we have officers who abuse their power and put lives of thousands of other officers in danger by their horrific actions. Then what follows? We have police shootings. Officers executed. Racist cops exist, I will never deny that. Matt and I will always be first to call those cops out for what they really are - a disgrace to the badge. They are a very small minority, but they are out there. However, just because it's a few, it doesn't stop emotions from running high, and for people to target police officers to "get back" at them for their actions. Times that make me even more frightened to send Matt to work.
In the day-to-day, we celebrate the man Matt is as a husband and dad. We watch tv, play silly games, dress up, snuggle, tickle, and hug. It's a normal life. He now gets dressed at work, so we don't see the proof of his police life every day like we used to. But we hug and kiss him every day. And every day, we say, be safe. We would say that to a new teenage driver heading to school. We would say that to a truck driver, getting ready for a long haul. It's a pretty common thing to say to someone as they are driving away. But for us it's different. Be safe. Be vigilant. Watch your back. Don't be complacent. Don't trust that old white guy at that traffic stop. He may have a gun. Is that what you think when your spouse leaves for work? It's the reason I don't post what shift Matt is working. I don't want someone coming to my house while he is gone, attempting to hurt myself or the kids, to get back at Matt for arresting him/her.
This is not a "please pity me" post. Just a blog I needed to share. And being a cop's spouse isn't scary and awful. It's just hard sometimes. But there are more times of enormous pride. My husband who becomes a trainer who teaches police officers how to be safe on the job, aiming for under 100 line-of-duty deaths each year. My husband who became an ALiCE instructor, going to schools, businesses, and churches, teaching them how to react in the case of an active killer invading. My husband who talks a 16-year-old suicidal girl off a bridge, and receives his first commendation as a Dublin cop while still in field training. My husband who doesn't just make traffic stops, but drives through neighborhoods, looking for danger. My husband who puts notices on open garage doors, alerting citizens that this is unsafe, and their things could be stolen, or their home broken into. My husband who checks business parking lots, making sure things are secure. My husband who makes notifications to families who have lost a loved one. My husband who carries pictures in his mind I could never face. Dead bodies. Suicides. Fatal crashes. Things that will live with him forever, but he puts aside to be a loving husband and father, and a good cop another day.
Be safe.
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