There are so many times we are our own worst enemies. This is true for a lot of us, not just me. When I start that, I try to combat being that worst enemy by being my own best counselor. What would I say to a client if she was saying these things about herself?
If you can bear with me, this is going to need some background info first...
When I got pregnant with Kate, and we knew we actually had a healthy pregnancy, we were elated. At long last, we were going to be parents. I had just been accepted to Walsh's Counseling and Human Development program, scheduled to start in August. I had a relaxing pregnancy. All I had was classes and my class work. I took 8 weeks off around my delivery date, and went back to classes in May after Kate was born. Life was good. It was a taste of being a stay-at-home mom, but I also was able to interact with amazing people on class nights at Walsh. It was perfect. Then August happened. As many of you know, I had been RIF'ed at the end of the 2009-2010 school year from Stow-Munroe Falls City Schools, and in August of 2011, I was called back. If I turned them down, I would lose unemployment, which I was getting because of going to school. Financially, we couldn't afford to lose that income at that time. I remember crying - no sobbing - because I was being taken away from my time with my girl. True, it was only part time. Yes, we would be ok because it was mornings, when Matt could be with her, and we wouldn't even need day care. But it changed my viewpoint of how life was going to go. I loved being at home with Kate. This meant pumping more, missing morning cuddles, all of it. I took the job, because we felt I had to, and ended up having an amazing (and ridiculously busy and stressful) year with some wonderful students (who I will never forget - and looking back, I wouldn't trade that time with them for anything. It was wonderful).
I got the opportunity to work as a GA at Walsh the following year, and I took it. While it still meant being away from home, it was much more flexible, much less work outside the work day, and much closer to home. It was a perfect middle-ground.
In the meantime, my amazing husband and beautiful daughter formed a bond that is priceless. They had one-on-one time together they would have never had. What an amazing gift to them. I never expected it, but it was one of the best things I could have done for their relationship.
2013 was too much. I was still working at the GA office, started my practicum experience, followed by internship in the summer and fall. In addition to that, I was still going to classes in the evenings, and trying to be a mom and wife. It was overwhelming and I had many days full of frustration and tears. I was so looking forward to December. To graduation. To finishing. The plans were very up in the air. Do I take a job right away and work until I deliver baby #2 or stay home and have some time with my family without working? When the job opportunity came, I took it. Again, it was a financial move for the family that made the most sense. It's only 20 hours a week, and we rarely, if ever, will need to pay a sitter for Kate.
What's the point of this ridiculously long history??? I'm getting to it, I promise.
I was feeling pretty good about how things were going in this past month since I graduated. Then, talking with someone on the phone (who shall remain nameless) I said how it was so nice to be able to help out around the house again, because Matt had been taking that on almost all by himself this past year. I was told that Matt is a natural at doing those things and being with Kate. It's so true. He's an amazing husband, does so much to help out around the house, and he is phenomenal with Kate. I was also told that "it's probably better that you're not a stay-at-home mom". I apparently need the adult contact and am not "cut out for it". Now, in this person's defense, he/she was very stressed out at the time, and I do no think that he/she meant to hurt me the way he/she did. But it struck me to the core. I felt that I had always been a mom first and a professional second. I never thought of myself as not being able to handle being home all the time with my children. I know FOR CERTAIN that it is one of, if not THE TOUGHEST, jobs out there. I thought I had done well being home with Kate those first 5 months. Right? I could surely succeed at that again, right??? A tidal wave of self-pity, self-deprecating, and self-criticizing took over me.
I want to be it all.
I want to be the best housekeeper, even though I hate cleaning.
I want to be the best mom, even when I'm exhausted and don't want to play Candyland.
I want to be the best wife, even though I let myself get too worked up, stressed, and tired to be a good partner.
I want to be the best counselor, and still be able to be the best housekeeper, mom, and wife.
I can't. I can't be it all. I can be the best at what I am. I'm Jen. A wife, a mom, and a counselor. And while it kills me to own the fact that I may never be that amazing stay-at-home-mom who does crafts every day with her kids, or home schools her kids, or any of that, I do think that I'm raising a beautiful, smart, and incredible little girl. And I'm doing it with the best partner I could ever ask for.
And that's enough.
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