Please understand

      I want you all to understand where my mind is.  I want you to understand where I'm coming from.  I have a story to tell.

      November 2008, Matt and I decided to start to try to get pregnant.  We didn't get pregnant that first month, I'm guessing some residual birth control left in my system got in the way.  But fertile mertiles that my family tends to be, we were pregnant the 2nd month of trying.  We are so fortunate in that!  We were so excited to find out we would be expecting our first baby in September of 2009.  And our due date was the day before my birthday - so cool.  February 23rd, I found blood.  I knew.  It wasn't right.  That night, after a horrible ER experience, we found out we were miscarrying. 

      We didn't wait long.  We got pregnant again in April, pretty much after one cycle.  I was so worried and cautious, but really thought this one was going to be fine.  Due January 13, 2010.  A new year for this new baby.  Only 8 weeks in, I called, overly cautious, about some spotting that wasn't even red.  Ultrasound showed an empty sac - again.  We had seen it before.  Matt and I cried in that room before we left.  How could this be happening again?

      I was overwhelmed with sadness and decided I was done for a while.  I had gained a lot of weight, partly between the pregnancies, and in the mourning after the 2nd.  It was time to lose some weight and get myself healthy - physically, mentally and spiritually.  We decided, after a lot of talking, we wouldn't try for a year - wait at least a year until the anniversary of our 2nd miscarriage had past. 

      In that year, I lost 75 pounds.  I ran my first 5K (and 2nd, and first 5 mile race).  I was, without a doubt, in the best shape of my life.  Matt and I were on a cloud as a couple.  We grew very close as we learned to deal with the possibility that this could keep happening - and then what?  I wasn't sure that I could survive another loss, let alone multiple losses.  We learned to support each other and knew that we could love each other forever, even if it was without children.

     Matt's birthday, July 21st, 2010, I took a test.  We had been trying just one month, but because I was spoiled by our past fertility success, I was sure we were pregnant.  The test was hard to read (stupid cheap tests), so I bought a more expensive one, took it the next day, and there it was.  A digital read out: PREGNANT.  Here we go. . .again.  I cried tears - tears of joy mixed with tears of extreme fear.

     Our amazing doctor who had helped us through our past 2 losses, and done "voodoo" medicine (as he called it - baby aspirin while trying to conceive and in the 1st trimester and progesterone as soon as we got the positive test) said we would only see him in the first trimester.  He wanted to coach us through this.  At week 5, we had an ultrasound, which was VERY early to see anything.  There was that stupid empty sac again, but we were told not to lose hope.  One week later, week 6 of the pregnancy, we went back.  The ultrasound tech said something that took my breath away: "There's your fetus, and there's the heartbeat".  I still cry thinking about that amazing moment.  For the first time, we had a developing fetus.  We were VERY spoiled by our dear doctor, and got MANY ultrasounds.  Each time, good news.  A healthy, developing baby. 

     Now, here we are.  Today is week 38.  I barely allowed myself to dream that we'd ever be here.  Past "full term", and still developing a healthy baby. 

     When I write on Facebook about taking walks and encouraging this baby to make an "early" appearance, please understand.  I know it's fine, good, and healthy for my baby to stay inside for another 2 weeks, or even more.  I know that my baby can stay safe in there and continue to develop.  I would NEVER, EVER wish for something unhealthy or unsafe for this child.  Please understand that.  But please also understand, these aren't just the ravings of some crazy, uncomfortable, crabby pregnant woman, who just wants her baby "out".  This is the desire of a woman who has waited for 2.5 years to get here.  Someone who has been longing for this child to come home since I saw that first positive pregnancy test in November of 2008.  I have been a mother without a child for that long, and I want to meet my baby and bring him or her home at long last. 

    I love this baby more than any of you will ever know.  So please excuse me being anxious, impatient, and excited about going into labor.  I'm ready.  Truth is, I have been for quite a while.